just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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