Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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