Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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