my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
