just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
