I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
