Apparently you make a good broom.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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