Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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