This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
