i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
