I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
