I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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