Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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