The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
