It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
