Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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