i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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