Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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