My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
