Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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