Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ttyl tear gas
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
