There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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