life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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