I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
