$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
