Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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