I got chris browned last night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
