haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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