I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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