i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
