remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
