Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
