if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
