Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
