In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
