How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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