I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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