My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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