I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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