my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
