why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
