Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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