I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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