i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
