Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
