I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As shirtless as possible
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
