I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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