just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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