Will you blow on my dice?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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