I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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