at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
